Day 335

Friday Griffin turned 11 months old. It was the last big milestone before he turns one and I felt pretty emotional all day.

I remember so vividly the first few days of his life. Every second felt so precious because I knew in a blink of an eye I'd be sitting where I am now - staring his first birthday in the face.

I compare it to those first few clicks of a roller coaster - as you slowly creep up the first big hill. The anticipation is so intense because you know the speed and thrills that await you. You know they are coming and there's nothing you can do to stop it. You also know how quickly it will all be over.

During those first days, I knew the speed and thrills that awaited me. I knew how fast I'd be holding a little boy in my arms instead of a tiny baby. I wanted it all to stop so badly so that I could just savor the tiny being I'd just created. At the same time, I wanted to see him grow and develop, smile at me, interact, make those first sounds.

I still feel that same tension - between wanting him to stay the same while at the same time wanting him to grow and change. I guess that's the real heartbreak of motherhood. You create this perfect little creature you want to hold onto forever knowing in the end - if you did your job right - you'll have to let them go.