dispatches from quilt city

Assfaces Unite

Listen, I love The Hills. I make no apologies about it either. I can't explain exactly why I love it so much, although this article gets pretty close to explaining why its so addictive. But I'm not writing about the show I'm writing about one person on the show in particular. His name is Spencer and he is an assface.

He represents all the worst of boy kind. He lies. He flirts shamelessly. He constantly and consistently betrays his girlfriend Heidi. Plus, this douche bag seems to represent the worst of L.A./reality TV culture and has the sole goal of becoming famous for doing absolutely nothing. He's pretty open about it, too. You would think this would present an unique situation for Heidi to escape his grasp. She doesn't have to wonder if he cheats or lies - its right there on camera. I mean this dude just told Details magazine he really wants to film them having sex so he can post it on internet. He said this IN PRINT. It's right there for her to see. However, despite all this evidence and the fact that all her friends have told her again and again that he is an awful human being, she stays.

This is one of the most painful things about being a female. Not PMS. Not childbirth. The most painful thing is watching helplessly as your friend continues to date (or God forbid marry) a guy who is obviously a complete and total assface.

I thought as I got older I would see this less and less. I mean in some way you have to expect teenage girls to put themselves through this. It's just part of being a teenage girl. For all but a few of us, it is a lesson you have to learn the hard way. For example, I was the rare teenager who learned from others mistakes. I didn't do drugs. I didn't get drunk till I was 21. I got good grades. I didn't sleep around. Some part of my brain understood that being rebellious would hurt me more than my parents.

I say that to say this. Even I wasn't immune. I dated a complete assface. For two and a half years. Granted he didn't actually cheat on me (with one of my sorority sisters) till the end of our relationship.

But I still went back.

I made him promise he wouldn't do it again. I made him call her and say he would never talk to her again. But, of course, he did. And I took him back again. And again. Every time telling him next time he lied to me would be the last. This went on for several months. Those months were some of the hardest of my life.

So, on some level, I guess I understand why some girls do this to himself. What I don't understand is why women do it.

It seems like over the past few weeks I've talked to several friends who see the same things as me. Beautiful, strong, smart women - women with careers, women who own real estate - who stay with total assfaces.

Here's a sampling:
- One friend knows a woman who's boyfriend forced her to wear a shirt during sex because she had gotten "too fat." (Thank God this particular assface had the self-respect to leave and stay away)
- One friend knows a woman who's husband woke up one day and told her after four years of marriage he didn't love her anymore. When he didn't show up for marriage counseling the next week, she went home to find he had moved out.
- Then of course there's Spencer.

As my friend Annie says, "It makes you want to get ahold of someone."

It's so frustratingly simple and complex at the same time.

Love is hard. No doubt. Sometimes I'm completely positive that Nicholas is some foreign creature incapable of compassion, understanding, or even intelligence. And I'm sure he feels the exact same way about me sometimes. Love takes a lot of work, even more communication, and more patience then I sometimes think is humanly possible.

But love doesn't hurt. It doesn't betray or cheat or lie. I trust Nicholas more than any other person in my life. Period. Because I know, that everyday, on the most basic level, he really wants to do what's best for both of us. When he looks at me, I know, in the deepest part of myself, that when I hurt, he hurts.

What is the most frustrating is that I know every woman wants that, but, for a million different reasons, some women don't think they deserve it. That's what makes watching friends in these relationships so hard. Because I know it doesn't matter how bad he gets or how much he lies or if she finally catches him, it's not about him - it's about her. And you can't fix that - only she can.